Hide nor Hair.

Disclaimer (don't you love it when my post start like that?)
This is not my normal fari... but it is normal "me" - just ask my Mom and sisters.
Pretend you and I are true friends and we are snuggled up on my couch with our kids long tucked in... yucking in up.  

We've all done it-

*Stared at our toes an hour before our pedicure wondering, "Should I trim those things, or at the very least... dig out the lint???"

*The morning of our hair cut, wondered if we should actually bother to wash the workout sweat out before our stylist runs their fingers thru it and says, "So what are we going to do today?"

*Shuddered to think of hiring a housekeeper because then we would actually have to clean up before she came over once a week.  I mean, how could you ask another woman to clean up your hubby's curly ques from under the toilet seat???

And the worst of them all ----
The morning of the Pap, wondering... how much is too much in the... ugh... "personal grooming"...ahem, department.

Yeah, pick yourself up off the floor, that's what we are talking about today.  

It is truly the worst. 

You can't bust out the clippers the morning of --  I mean, you can't really go in there looking like, "I did this for you." but you can't go in there looking like Sasquatch either, can you?

Where is the line?   Especially in the Midwest where we get to cover up 6 months of the year, it's easy to leave the hair removal wax on the shelf and the scissors in the drawer if you know what I mean.  It's easy to catch a glimpse in the mirror one day and think, "Good gravy!  What is that???"  and realize that things will have to change before you accept that invite to your friends pool.

I remember before I ever got pregnant, a friend of mine telling me that when you are "great with child" you can't see "your unit" (as she called it) any more.  
I was horrified!
But not long after did I learn she was right and as my belly got bigger, one day I called Joel in for a lesson in wax strips - "Look, I said, I am going to have your baby and you are going to learn to wax my bikini - there is no way I am going to be naked in front of the doctor, nurse and my Mom looking like some sort of sex-ed chapter out of a 1972 school text book."

He's a good man.

And I have since figured out how to maneuver to do it myself and I am proud to say I going into labor looking... well kept.

I know you know which text book I am talking about - 
I can still see those black and white pictures of someone who looked like they were from the set of "Love Story" giving birth.  It was frightening ---- like girlfriend!  It's called a hedge trimmer!

"Love means never having to say your sorry going au natural?"
I think not.

So, what's a girl to do?  As if the whole process wasn't bad enough - I mean, anytime you're not wearing a cowboy hat but the word "stirrups" are involved...
 -Shudder-
 It's bad enough trying to decide to leave your socks on or not - but I know I am not the only girl who has woke up the morning of the annual exam and realized her dilemma.  

Tell me I am not the only one!

THIS. IS. MY. LIFE.

He nailed it.

I coughed up my spleen.

Hacked up a lung.

Almost died from laughter.

Surely this man has been spying on us.

The "look people give you when you tell them you have four kids" --- perfection.

  

Bon Weekend.

I'll be ripping out 35 year old carpeting - hope YOU have more fun!!!!

Hilari-az.

So, this could be totally lost, or offensive to my High Church friends & family... and I'll confess, I don't even think my own tat-sportin', "New Reformed",  pastor would put this up on the screen...

It's clearly totally inappropriate... but you can check the "de Moi" page if you want to know how I feel about Christian's swearing...

So, as my Aunt says, "Put your big girl panties on." and I'll add, "Don't get them in a knot."

But it's so true... I mean come one... we go to church to hear TRUTH and if only more pastors were risking beings "tisked, tisked", perhaps there would be more Christian men walkin' the line and more Christian women not interested if they weren't...

Plus... you know how I feel about Boaz.  (Ironically enough, one of my highest visited posts!  I get many hits EVERY day on this one!)


I just had to share... my sister sent it to me and I laughed out loud.

Sick in the Head...

In more ways than one...

First being, all of my children have been sick with a cold at some point in the last two weeks, thus my lack of presence here on the website.  Now, the poor baby has it... all sniffy and snorty.  So unfair for a little six week old person.  
Le pauvre.

Second being, my sense of humor is sick and deranged.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to laugh and this is the kind of ridiculous crap that literally leaves me clawing the floor and gasping for air...  after 1,000 snot wipes I had to have SOME entertainment and when my cousin shared this with me last night I knew I had to share it with you.  You will either think I am off my bloody rocker and thinking "I don't get it" or you too will find yourself gasping for air...

I promise I will be back in a more normal fashion soon.  The baby is the last to get it so we should be A-OK in the Parisienne Farmhouse again pronto.

You may want to use the ladies room first... 

I swear they get funnier each time.

Lee Lee of Walmart

You know my distain for Walmart.  Thank the Lord for the thousands of jobs they provide these days but it's really a catch 22 when you consider all that stuff fabrique en chine has surely cost us job loss in America over the years...

Walmart seems to bring out the worst in people (like pagan "high priests") and myself... I always get so cranky if I have to run there.  Typically I refuse to go there because of the affect I let it have on my nerves but the other day I need landscape fabric (weed barrier) and I could not stomach one more trip to Home Depot to their overpriced garden section.  

"Everybody get dressed!"  I shouted...

 This is how LeeLee came down the stairs...  

Hello Kitty glitter t-shirt, "Cow boots" on the wrong feet, goodwill skirt, brothers Lightening McQueen pyjama bottoms and a NASCAR Pink Junior sock cap.  

OF COURSE I LET HER WEAR IT! 

 How could I not! ??????

It may be rather uncharitable of me... but for a thousand good laughs you've got to visit www.peopleofWalmart.com

I swear, they could take all those photos in ONE DAY at ours!!!

The Evolution of Dance...

Ok, this is too funny.

As someone who loves to dance this made me cry with laughter.

  When I was a child I would dance to the Peter Pan soundtrack, at nine years old we danced like MANIACS to Hooked on Classics, in Junior High in was Pom Pon routines to Salt -n- Peppa and the like, High School was 80% African American and there were a handful of us white girls who could hold our own on the dance floor...ya know, little dance routines to L.L. Cool J and MC Hammer.  Two years later I morphed into a full blown Country Line Dancer, then a Two Stepper...a few years after that it was Salsa lessons and then a couple years ago Tango (Oh, how I love and miss Tango...sigh.)

 I've experienced an evolution of dance myself and have shook my money maker to every song in this hilarious video (which by the way reminds me of one of our family weddings...if you have never been to party hosted by my extended family...you are MISSING OUT!)

I don't want to take away from my Macaron happiness but...when was the last time YOU DANCED???

A Little Levity to Start Our Week-

This is a recent family favorite - yes, we are that family that watches You Tube clips and laughs til we cry when we get together. It never fails. Someone always has a funny YouTube clip to share. Nic and Vic, we thought of you with this one.

This one came via email from Farm Girl Cyn - I, swear it's funnier each time. And the rest of this guys material is family friendly and much of it is just as hilarious...or more so (Cletis take the Reel makes my husband cry and gasp for breath at the same time!!! Miss Nada - Bet Jason would do the same!)

...And you thought "Christian Comedian" was oxy-moronic.

What NOT to do during Naptime...

Beth, This a day late (Laugh Your Arse Off Thursdays) but perhaps it will help move things along!

Laugh Your Arse Off Thursdays - Extras

My brother got me these DVD's for Christmas. SO FUNNY! This is one of my favorite scenes...be sure to push pause on the right so you don't think this a wreck set to lovely music! (see nascar post and comments below)

If your not good with the accent you may want to watch it a few times. Enjoy your laughs.

Laugh Your Arse Off Thursdays - Better Late in the Day than Never

It's almost bikini season ladies...ya' ready???

Laugh Your Arse Off Thursdays -

OK first, The I THINK the Chicagoland Barbie post a few down is FINALLY FIXED.

Second, My brother sent this to me the other day and honestly I can not stop laughing. I was just now nursing Amélie for her morning nap and the poor thing could not fall asleep cause I was shaking with giggling just thinking about this hilarious clip.
You know that expression, "You have to laugh or your gonna cry."? Well, as you may now, sometimes it's good for me to get a good laugh when it relates to the punchline of this joke.
Like all my other amusements they get funnier each time you watch it - after you watch it once, watch it again and watch her co-anchors look of horror. It's brutal.
Clear your mouth of all fluids and grab a diaper...and don't forget to push pause on the songlist.

OK, I Can Not Wait Until Thursday...Chicagoland Barbie

Warning if you "drink and blog" then put down your drink so you don't spit your coffee or wine all over the screen.
A FAVORITE friend just sent this to me and thankfully there was no beverage in my mouth or it would have been all over. I haven't laughed this hard since Ben went off on Simon...(two posts ago)
To those of you who don't live in the Chicago suburbs, so sorry. This, like Ben's "audition" is SPOT ON from the Starbucks to the sexually confused. For those of you who do, hold on to your seats...
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Chicago market:
"Hinsdale Barbie"

This princess Barbie is sold only at The Oak Brook. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face- lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.


"Naperville Barbie"

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Chrysler Town & Country Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.


"Cicero or Calumet City Barbie"

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ....unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.


"Barrington Hills Barbie"

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.


"Joliet Barbie"

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.


"West Loop Barbie"

This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.


"Elgin Barbie"

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Joliet Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.


"Lincoln Park Barbie"

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call herWillow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Lincoln Park Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.


"Southside Chicago Barbie"

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.


"Wheaton Barbie"

She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out a-'huntin'.


"West Division Street Barbie/Ken"

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.